Over the past few weeks, i have been broken and torn apart by God for a reconstruction of a new product that God wants to form.

What happened to me the last few weeks was undescribable, and i really pray that not everyone has to go through that sort of struggle to realise that they need God to be in the centre of their lives.

When i came back to Singapore, i thought that things was going to be just fine. After all, i have lived in Singapore for like 22 years before going to study in Brisbane. So adjusting back to nice comfortable Singapore wouldn't be any worry or trouble at all. Thus the first week was alright. But the struggle came when i was once again enlisted into the ARMY. That was when the real breaking down process came. That was when my 'freedom' was taken away from me. I felt so lost, so trapped, so depressed and so helpless. I couldn't do anything about it and i really wanted to just break a leg and ask for another posting to another camp which is much less stressful.

What happened was that different camps have different schedules. The one that I am in, is currently going through many inspections and is currently operationally ready. So things are currently quite upbeat at the moment, and people around are stressed and it causes me to be stressed as well. My first day back at camp, was such a terrifying experience. I really wanted to just run out of the camp; fear just overwhelmed me. That was when i realised that i couldn't depend on anyone else except God Himself. No matter how much i talked to anyone else, i wouldn't be able to feel better, because i know the situations wouldn't change because i talked to someone else.

The change came, when i had to slowly learn to commit my worries, fears and be fully dependent upon God alone. My Q.T was super regular, sometimes even twice a day and i kept reading the bible for more encouragement and assurance. This past one week was really much much better. I could see that God has really started to mould me into the person He wants me to be. I have already started to begin to work like never before, though the fear of making mistakes still creeps upon me at times, but i am learning to trust God to help me, and even though i may still make mistakes, i am going to trust God that He has a very good reason for it.

So for those who are reading this entry, may you learn from my experience to start trusting God and leaning your total dependence upon Him before bad times come then you'll find it harder at the beginning. I don't know how to fully describe to you all how i felt, but it was terrible, very very terrible. I have never cried so much, it felt like the Holy Spirit left me and let me feel how its like trying to live life by my own strength. Sometimes when you are ok, and have many friends around you, many things to do, you might not realised that you have 'shelfed' God aside and walking on your own strength. Becareful, be alert and on guard, don't let that happen to you, renew your experience of your first love with God everyday; let your experience of God be a refreshing one with every new day.

May God bless you all!

kelvin spun on 1:01 pm.